You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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