It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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