I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
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I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
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I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
God, I missed his penis.
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