The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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