i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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