Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize