oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
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Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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