My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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