Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
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my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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