I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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