hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
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your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
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