Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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