In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
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I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
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Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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