im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
cat food counts as protein by the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize