I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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