ya dads aren't the best wingmen
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
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You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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