I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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