I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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