I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
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Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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