Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
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WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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