So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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