Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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