Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
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Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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