I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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