if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
it was like eating out sand paper
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Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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