My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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