There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
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unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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