No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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