Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
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this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
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I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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