she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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