I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
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Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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