3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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