Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
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I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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