Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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