Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
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She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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