i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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