Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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