FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize