my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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