So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
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We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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