Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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