woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize