Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
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My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
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Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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