3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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