No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize