did you get engaged???
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
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I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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