Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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