During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
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I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
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You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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