this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
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WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
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In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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