why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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